Bri K

on the mysterious Mystery

I was reading this morning and two different quotes sparked contemplation on mystery. With the help of those smarter than I, I have come to learn that my goal should not be to comprehend God, but to be comprehended by Him…that indeed my chief role is one of response, not initiative. So as I thought on mystery, here’s the response the Lord prompted…

Stanley Hauerwas: “Indeed it is a mistake to think that these great doctrines [Trinity and Incarnation] of our faith…are meant to explain. These doctrines are quite literally names for mysteries…”

Philippians 3:8 “What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord…”

Lord you are truly beyond my comprehension and I am comprehended by you and contained in you. You are a great mystery and the fact that you would allow yourself to be known is a greater mystery still. And you do not merely allow, but you invite us into this knowledge, this relationship. Yet you do not stop with an invitation, but you pursue–relentlessly and recklessly–you pursue our hearts in order that our longing for you might, but some strange miracle, begin to reflect, even in small part, your longing for us! Oh mystery that Paul, that any could proclaim a desire to know you at any cost in the face of losing all! Than any mere man, could actually desire you is itself a radical gift of grace. For this is not merely religion of morality or volition, this is affection! A miracle! And it is such, not because you are not desirable, but because we are fooling around with meaningless mirages hoping to find life and are too dull to recognize you for who you are. It is a miracle that you can take a dark self-saturated heart and breathe to life a love that costs the very self. A miracle!

In this, it is absolutely true that you are too good for me. Indeed you are the only good. And yet once again you surprise by not being a far-removed, arrogant and disinterested God and not even by standing close to the mess that is me and my sin. But rather, you dive in entirely immersed in this woman that does not even deserve a second glance. For as with Israel, so too you by right could have left me despised and rejected kicking in my blood, but instead you wash me and clothe met. Yet after this, once again comes your mysterious eccentricity–your lavish lavishness that seems to transcend even grace. For grace itself is lavish, but then you give grace upon grace. You not merely clothed your whore-Bride, but you adorn her with your riches, your best. Oh mystery! She who was naked and bare and working the street corner as someone worse than the common woman. Oh She has not merely been given rags to cover her, but rather a robe and she is not given only morsels upon which to tame her famine, she has been given a feast that satisfies eternally!

Oh mystery that You define love and all of our best constructs of its essence or its works fall short of You. Certainly I have nothing to repay you and this kind of love is strangely uncomfortable. It is true that oft times we want to wiggle and squirm out of such a fierce and gracious grip for we have nothing to give, nothing to return! And once again you surprise, for you do not want our gift or sacrifice. You want Us–undone, messy and incapable of loving you like you deserve. This is the heart you fight for? How strange it is that in a sense, you choose to love those who cannot love you back. You turn toward She who continually turns away.

But once again, miracle of miracles, you take not merely the man and order his steps to righteous acts, you take the heart of the man and in so doing make him righteous. You became sin. My crucified and risen Christ now in You do I become the very righteousness of God. Oh stunning mystery that is unsearchable and knowable You!

eggs in one basket

I suppose that most investors say not to put all your eggs in one basket. Diversify, otherwise the risk of loss is too great! It seems to me though that many times the Lord asks exactly the opposite, and yesterday I knew with absolute confidence that He was asking this of me. And the beautiful thing was that I was humbled in joy and deep gratitude without fear, but with confidence and a renewed hope!

I left an hour early from Seattle so I wouldn’t be late for the interview with Forward Edge. Since I was way ahead of schedule about half way into the drive I stopped and journaled a bit at a coffee shop. Here’s a bit of what I wrote: “As I go into this interview I ask that it would be a time of really sweet fellowship with (everyone who comes). I pray that it would be a time of being awakened in passion and vision and that we would all walk away encouraged by your majesty and the greatness of your character and kingdom. Let it be a time of worship–a time of seeing you exalted…Jesus, reveal yourself in power and let me walk away from this interview assured of what you are leading concerning this job. Lord lead TFA to offer me a face to face interview today. Jesus exalt your Name and lift yourself high Jesus!…Speak to the depths and call me forward in power–anointed and commissioned by your Spirit and Bride!”

Seriously…I didn’t even realize that I had prayed that last sentence until right now. WOW—that is exactly what I experienced! I’ve been a part of a lot of interviews and I have never in my life experienced something like yesterday where the Lord was so clearly confirming His will to everyone there and exalting His Name by how He was unifying His people in heart, mind and purpose. It was stunning!

If I could tell you more of the dialogue, it would be awesome, but the turning point was when one woman asked me where I envisioned myself in 4 years which led to a big, “I don’t know…that’s what I’m seeking to discern right now…but these are the ways that I know that I’m gifted/the things that I know that I’m called to even if I don’t know the context…” As I listed these the Program Director said something to the effect of, “Well in light of that, when you hear that the job is 90% administrative, what do you think?” My response: “Honestly, when I heard that, I thought that this is not the fit for me. I believe that I could do the job, but the Lord released me from Multnomah and is pushing me to risk…challenging me to step out of my comfort and explore some of my gifts and passions that I have not had the opportunity to use.” I can’t explain the sense in the room at that moment, but it was like a resounding “yes”…a unanimous nod. The Program Director said something to the effect of looking at my resume and being excited and impressed by what I’ve done and knowing that there is something more out there for me to really be unleashed in…that they wouldn’t want someone who in two months will be bored…that it was such a refreshing interview…the weirdest that they’ve had, but rich! Then another woman said she wants to keep track of me and hear what I end up doing–that she is excited to see. Another woman said that this is the most authentic interview they’ve had and it was so encouraging. We talked about ways to partner in the future, maybe getting to lead a short term team, who knows? So the Program Director just said that he thought they needed to pray for me and they prayed things specific to my heart and need: that the Lord would grant clarity quickly, that He would use my unique gifts, etc. It was so beautiful! So all four prayed for me, I prayed for them and truly, as I’ve never seen in an interview, the Lord exalted His Name in our presence and I really think assured all of us that His kingdom is advancing and that He’s attentive to our needs and desires.

We ended the interview just shaking our heads and smiling and one of the guys said, “I bet this will go down as your weirdest interview ever?” and I definitely agreed! It was amazing to see the time encourage them as to the person that the Lord has set aside to fill the position and incredible to see the Lord so specifically anoint me and commission me through that time. I can’t explain the impact of having four perfect strangers see into my life and affirm my call and my gifts and a sense of mission and vision I must pursue. Through them the Lord spoke so many things over me, but the biggest was: “Bri, I haven’t forgotten you, I’m not ignoring you, I delight in your delight, don’t settle, don’t give up, there’s more to come…” I feel like the Lord has spoken “No” a lot lately…or has just been silent all together. Yesterday was like a resounding “Yes” and “Amen” spoken through four people I didn’t know by the power of His Spirit.

I drove away almost shocked in awe by how specifically and powerfully the Lord “sent” me out from that interview. I knew immediately that I needed to pull myself out of today’s scheduled interview at Clark and all out pursue TFA. I drove away having experienced His tenderness and attentiveness to me…having FELT his affirmation of his heart and purpose for the first time in six months. I have known that the Lord was not absent, but I have felt to be so so lost and wandering and felt that everything was falling apart or breaking. In light of these past months and the past year, yesterday was absolutely confirming that I’ve heard Him, that He’s heard me and that He delights to give good gifts to me.

So I got home to find out that another prayer was answered–I was accepted to bypass the first interview and go directly to the final interview with Teach for America. AMAZING! So I called Clark and pulled myself out of today’s interview, knowing that I had to go after the “more” that has been in my heart for years. I was being unleashed and it wasn’t time to choose the same setting and same job that I’d been waiting to be released from. It’s time to run in the passions and explore the gifts that I’ve been waiting to experience for seven years.

I left Multnomah nine months ago. A year prior to being laid off the Lord told me that He had kept me there for so long and walked me through all the brokenness He’d walked me through in order to anoint me with power and authority. He told me that He would soon send me in this manner and send me clearly. I never imagined it would look like it did. Then a year later I heard the news and knew it was my time to leave. Quickly the Lord told me not to play it safe, but to take a risk and go after the dreams and desires He’s put in my heart. So I went overseas.

In August I was sitting on a park bench in Leon, Spain and this is the last time I’ve sensed the Lord clearly speak to me about my life in general and what was coming. Through a specific scripture (Elijah on Mt. Carmel after the prophets of Baal) He commissioned me to three things: Pray hard and deep, watch constantly and wait patiently. The result would be not merely a trickle, but a torrent unleashed of all the desires that have seemed held back, broken or restrained over these years. He would unleash them in fury and fullness. It was interesting timing because everything felt to be going great then–felt to be coming together. I’ve been thinking about this word a lot in the past few weeks and thinking of how prophetic it has been. So I’m still waiting, watchful and praying deep…but after yesterday with a sense of victory and hope. Yesterday seemed to be like Elijah’s cloud rising on the horizon, bringing me to my knees in hope and on my face with more confidence that the Lord is listening and is unleashing a beautiful storm.

Interview(s)–plural!!!!

So the Lord’s timing still confuses me most times and I’m still learning to trust that He’s got it down…probably will keep learning the rest of my life! So He decided to surprise me with calls two days in a row for interviews –one from an organization I had submitted a resume to the day before, and the other for a position I applied for almost two months ago. So next week I’ll have two interviews after having very few possibilities for months!! Praise the Lord! So here’s the low-down:

1. Tuesday or ???? I’ll have an interview with a mission agency called Forward Edge International whose mission is to share Christ’s love with those effected by poverty, disaster and sickness around the world. The position is Team Coordinator, which is pretty self-explanatory, but basically I’d be coordinating administrative and logistical details for short-term mission teams and building relationships with colleges, churches, etc to recruit and send teams. Sounds super cool! I have no idea how much is pays though and if it’s enough to cover my expenses.

2. Wednesday at 12 noon I’ll have an interview with 7 committee members (whew–usually on the other side of the table for that =) at Clark College for the position of Director of Student Life and Multicultural Student Affairs. The job is very similar to what I’ve done at Multnomah, but has the multicultural piece that I think could be really cool to develop (if I actually had opportunity to develop). This job pays very well and I don’t want to be motivated just by the security and relief it would bring from financial stress. Though the truth is, it would remove a lot of pressure with my condo and free me to get a new car and end my 12 year relationship with my slowly fading ‘93 Corolla!!!

3. Teach for America is a non-profit organization that partners with public schools systems in rural poor and urban poor areas, targeting schools with low achievement and graduation rates and with smaller resources financially etc. It’s highly competitive, but if accepted I would get to be a Teacher in an inner city public school for two years!! This is the job I’ve been focused on for a bit and the one I’ve stayed most excited about over the last month. The possibility of really diving into hands on work with urban youth is really the closest thing to what I’ve been waiting to do as I waited to be release from Multnomah. Out of everything I really think that this would be most challenging and would give me the opportunity to explore other areas of my gifting on a routine basis, whereas the other jobs sound pretty similar to things I’ve already done. Here’s the hard part…Tuesday I will find out whether I proceed to an interview. I will either be offered a phone interview, or there is a possibility they will invite me directly to the in-person day long interview. If I were to proceed all the way through I will not know whether I am accepted until April 19th AND I won’t know what city, grade or subject I will teach until (if) I am accepted.

But…as I’ve spent time thinking, processing with people, etc. this is what I’d like concerning TFA: I’d like to teach in San Antonio (and though I started with 3 cities, now I honestly don’t know if I’d want to teach anywhere besides there, though LA is still semi-interesting). They are starting the site there which, as a lot of you know, is always something that excites me–to innovate, be an entrepreneur etc. The thought of getting to be part of a team starting a site, building foundational relationships, navigating the difficulties and making decisions for the most effective way to build the partnership would be super cool. It’s also one of the highest rates of pay and lowest costs of living out of the other cities TFA works in. It’s also sunny 300 days of the year!!! And it’s also a change, which seems to bring excitement and a sense of fresh possibilities to my heart right now! I’d love to teach high school English and Literature, maybe even History. My second choice would be elementary school kiddos. I would love to get back into inner city ministry and think that teaching day in and day out would really stretch me outside of my experience, but in alignment with my gifting…and that it would reveal whether this is something I would enjoy and am good at (as it’s something I’ve considered doing for some time).

So as you can see, timing makes things I bit complicated and I would really really really appreciate your prayers for the Lord’s CLEAR direction!!!! Clarity is one things I haven’t felt now for months.
What with the complications of unemployment (I can’t turn down a job or I’ll lose benefits), my mortgage (covering the payment, or if i move, trying to find a buyer or renter) and the timing of how everything will need to fit together, I really will need wisdom as I interview for these two positions next week.

First, to know if the job is a job I actually want (versus being safe, well-paying, etc.) I really really want to move in faith even when all these financial things hang in the balance. I don’t want to be foolish or arrogant in taking myself out of an interview process, but I also don’t want to put myself in a position where I have to take a job that I don’t want and that the Lord isn’t calling me to.

Second, I am willing to pull myself out of these interview processes at a point if Teach for America is on my heart, but this is risky as I could do so and then not get accepted to TFA and be back to square one having turned down some good opportunities. Clark hopes to hire in two weeks.

Third, I could play both situations out, but this means I need to be ready to take the job. So I could just bank on the Lord guiding through the organizations, either to close both doors and leave me with TFA or to open a door and trust that the Lord is directing me that way and take myself out of the process with TFA.

So anyway, my mind runs the possibilities out, but for now I’m going to interview and pray that the Lord would really clarify what I WANT and that I’d have to courage and wisdom to know how to proceed in light of that. Knowing what I want concerning jobs has been really difficult because most things don’t sound compelling to me right now. TFA is the only thing that has, but I also have spent more time considering it than the others.

So that’s a glimpse into my crazy mental process! I would love for you to pray for me, but I would also love to hear if you have any insights or if, as you pray, the Lord speaks something to you to speak to me! Thanks so much! Love!

Welcome Miss Olivia Anne!

My little niece joined our family on Thursday night a little before 7 pm after a really quick delivery. Miss Olivia Anne Knuckey was 7.2 ounces and is just under 19 inches! We are so excited to have her into our family after a long season of waiting. Mom, Dad and I spend the time with Nathaniel as he awaited sissy’s arrival. Here’s some fun pix from the hospital the day she was born:

In Memoriam: Uncle Paul Fulfer

I woke up at 4:30. It’s 6 and I haven’t fallen back asleep. My thoughts turned to this incredible man so I decided to write. My mom called two days ago to give me the news: Uncle Paul passed away. Uncle Paul wasn’t even my Uncle—wasn’t even “related,” but still we were bound by blood. He and his wife Doris were my mother’s godparents—my grand godparents I guess, if there is such a thing. Their legacy of faith lives out in me. In fact, I am her namesake. Her middle name Anett (a variant from the Hebrew Ann, meaning “favored grace”) is my mother’s and is also one of mine. They were best friends with my grandparents from the early days of marriage till death, serving together with Youth for Christ and Billy Graham.

Uncle Paul was a lawyer by trade and practiced law until only a few years ago. But from the little time I had with him it was clear that his heart beat for two things: his Lord and his wife. This was a man who loved the Word and spoke with authority. He was a bold, but gentle sage. The kind of man who could speak to hundreds, but cry with the broken in a back alley when no one knows and no one is watching. He could be the teacher and then pick up the broom and bucket and clean the room when class is done. She was a Texas belle, full of grace and gentleness, but full of passion and ready to speak her mind if it meant speaking the Lord’s honest truth. She was stubborn in service, a woman of dignity and poise, but a woman willing to roll up her sleeves and get her hands dirty and enjoy every second of it.

Until the day she died he held her hand. Theirs was a relationship that compelled me. I hardly see middle-aged couples that have kept the romance. They did. He still opened the door for her. It was the little things that spoke a thousands words. Theirs was a love still vibrant, stronger and maybe even more youthful for their 60 years of marriage. Theirs was a love that invited people in. They were lovers, but they were also best friends, so their love didn’t make others outsiders, their love made everyone family. I don’t see this often, but I saw it in them and it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. They loved relentlessly together, tirelessly giving of themselves to the Lord and then to one another. Filled up by this giving, they always had more to give—of their love and their lives, their resources and treasure. And as they gave their joy overflowed. I never knew them apart from knowing them together, and together they were strong. Together they were truly stunning. Their eyes looked inward to one another, but always with the aim of looking back out—loving out. The more they loved, the more love they shared. For the sake of the eternal, they were better together. Around them I always had this strange sense that I was glimpsing the heart of God, seeing what love looks like in the flesh and how powerful it is when it’s bound up in Him. A cord of three strands: their love was His incarnate.

If it weren’t for a couple spring break trips taking students from Multnomah to LA and stopping over at their home in Modesto, I probably wouldn’t have seen any of this. They put us up for a night at their church in Modesto, would wake up early, gather their neighbors and friends and cook our teams breakfast before we drove the last 6 hours south. Uncle Paul would go to the bakery and get these absolutely delicious (and huge (cinnamon rolls) that we loved! Their humor, quirks and radiant generosity always blew us away and we left inspired, having been given our first example of what it looks like to take the low place and to do so with delight. It must not have been easy to host 24 college students when they were in their 80’s, but what made is so special is that you could see they loved every second of it. They loved loving us and they loved doing it together. I loved that about Uncle Paul. He would let Doris work her magic in the kitchen, but he’d get right in there with her, serving together, loving together in the ministry of hospitality.

I hadn’t seen Uncle Paul since Doris’ funeral a few years back and I remember how horrible it was to see him lose his love, his partner. He was very quiet those few days, so while I don’t remember our last conversation, I do remember some of the last words Doris spoke to me. We were at my grandpa’s funeral four years ago in the center aisle of a sanctuary surrounded by pews. I don’t even remember how this came up really, but I think it was because I read Scripture and she saw something of the Lord in me and came up to speak into my life about the man I will marry. I began to cry, for even then this was a painful place, and it would be only a few months later that this unfulfilled desire would lead me to the brokenness of my faith. But she spoke with her eyes fixed to mine in her powerful, gentle way: Wait for the Lord. Be strong, take heart and wait for the Lord. It’s a quotation from Psalm 27 and I knew it as soon as she spoke it, for it’s a verse the Lord has already spoken regarding this place of my heart. From anyone else her words might have felt hollow. But her….she spoke and I received courage.

So I wait still. Because of Doris and Paul I wait with a clearer vision of the love I’m waiting for—a love that is an embodiment of the Gospel—a love that is a fun and sweet friendship and a passionate romance—A love that is an invitation to the Lover. Since high school I’ve prayed for this sort of love—a love that would be dynamic in it’s influence for eternity—a lover with whom our impact for the kingdom of God would be greater than it could be apart—a lover with whom my heart resonated so deeply, with whom I could be so sure and be so at rest with, that we could look outward together and love people extravagantly. And because of Uncle Paul, I wait with confidence and know that there are men who will love their Lord and their wife to the last and will pour out their hearts to brokenness in order to uphold those around them. Uncle Paul was a man of intelligence—a teacher. He was a servant whose service seemed only an extension and not an effort, something he just was and couldn’t not be. He was a man of gentle but firm and steadied passion who loved boldly and humbly till the last. So to him, to them, I say thank you. And I wait.

selling …

So I’ve decided to sell my condo! I sent out a flyer out on Sunday to a bunch of friends hoping to network and get it sold without an agent. I’ve also posted on Craigslist. So I would really appreciate your prayers that if it’s time to sell the Lord would work a miracle and raise up a buyer!

Also, I’ll leave shortly to speak with my friend’s youth group tonight. I don’t have a script, I hardly have an outline, but I feel excited to see what direction the Lord takes us in! This is a bit unusual for me, but I sense the Lord just wants to use me where I’m at and speak out the passions He’s put in over the years. We’ll see what happens! I’d love your prayers for this! Thanks and love…

Simple pleasures

I love the simple delights of life, the seemingly small things, the things that might pass as insignificant or pass unnoticed all together. I suppose that today was a day of delighting in the simple, which to me are some of the sweetest and most beautiful things in life.

My day began as I, still lying in bed, peaked under my bedroom curtain to see the deep pre-dawn navy to azul sky highlighted by crimson and burnt orange hovering above the hilltops. Stunning. The past few days have been crystal clear and unseasonably warm, so much so that the cherry blossoms have bloomed pink all over the city, roses are opened fully and even as I walk the streets I’ll catch scents of other flowers fragrant with life. An early spring is timely. I always love spring days filled with bright. These days speak hope after what has oft been a dreary winter. It’s as if all of creation calls out in expectation, groaning through the winter and now bursting forth in song. Spring always speaks to me of resurrection, restoration, rebirth.

Church this morning was sweet, made mostly so by the rich relationship. A little tradition of the past couple months has become one of my favorite parts of Sunday morning. Stan, one of the men from my small group is often greeting at the front door. He gets a big smile on his face and gives me a huge hug. But the part I love most (and I don’t even know how this started) is that while we are hugging we have to jump up and down. So every Sunday morning while we’re hugging, we’re hopping, and it always bring laughter when we’re done. So silly. So simple!

The simple: a friend squeezing into the packed-out pew next to me and during “visitor’s welcome” the two of us hunting down a friend who is planting a church and so most often not with us on Sunday’s. They are sweet sisters and we’ve been bound together through battles in intercession. They’ve lifted my hands when I couldn’t hold them up anymore. A three-way hug is a great thing…and a sense of understanding with few words is even better! Simplicity!

As the church walked forward to share in communion we sang, “You did it for me, You did it for love. It’s your victory. Jesus you are enough.” Tears were in my eyes because it’s true. And it’s difficult. And it’s not something to say lightly: to receive lightly or to give lightly. Simplicity.

Chatting with various people afterward is such an encouragement. In all honestly sometimes I just want to get out of there and hide, run away, not be seen. That’s what my friend and I talked about right after church–that strange feeling of wanting to be invisible but known all at once. We finished our quick catch-up with a hug and up comes one of the elder’s daughters, Maija, clinging to my waist. What a gift!! What a joy!! How is it that children bring such life, such delight…in the simple?! What a great conversation we had! Yesterday was her birthday I was told: double digits. That’s right, 10 years old! We did a little shimmy dance to celebrate when we calculated and discovered that we are only 20 somethin’ days apart…and 21 years that is! She was so excited because she’s been waiting since the early days of 9 to be able to apply at the Audubon Society and FINALLY she is old enough to apply!!! I told her that I’d been on a hike with a friend recently and we ended up there and saw the people with the birds on their arms. She’s very excited to help with the birds…and watch the surgery’s that help fix them. And she has volunteer experience too, so she makes a great candidate!! What beautiful exuberance she had! As she walked down the aisle to leave she looked over her shoulder and said that maybe I could come with her sometime? I would LOVE it!!! What a precious invitation! A delight!

Then I grabbed a hug from one of the elder’s, Eric, who is in my small group. He’s hilarious and says the most random things sometimes. To attempt to encourage me about all the things going on in my life right now, he made an analogy to surfing. Somewhere along the way this analogy went in a direction that could be very depressing, but it was actually hilarious and really encouraging! So he and our friend Ann (Stan’s wife) were killing ourselves as the story developed. Turns out that the waves are crashing over me as I’m paddling out to catch the big wave and all of the sudden I’m not only sucking in salt water but getting stung by jelly fish. And it just so happens that the best cure for jellyfish stings is to have someone pee on you. So what started out as a great analogy of pressing into the wave to get to the point of rest and readiness for the wave, became a picture of drowning in salt water with red welts all over me and a friend’s urine dousing me. Hmmm….we’re not sure if Eric’s a prophet or not. We’ll see if it’s true to life! Wow…we sure got a gut-aching laugh out of it though. Simplicity!!

I came home to make brunch with my friend Michelle, share rich conversations and thoughts on life. We strolled the waterfront as bikes and roller-bladers sped past us and we reminisced about our glory days–Michelle on the blades and me working the roller-rink in elementary school. Turns out we were pretty amazing and we just might come out in the full gear: helmet, wrist guards, knee pads–the whole works–and show ‘em how it’s done.

So anyway, all that is to say that I’m really thankful for the simple pleasures, the things that are jaw-dropping beautiful when I stop to recognize them, the lavish gifts wrapped up in ordinary exchanges. And I’m so thankful that these things, these people and this gorgeous day remind me that life is being reborn. Redemption has come, is coming and will be brought to completion. The mortal will be wrapped up in immortality. Death will be swallowed up by life!

Ash Wednesday Wilderness

Before I went to my small group at church tonight I decided to meet a friend at Imago Dei’s Ash Wednesday service. Honestly, Imago has a fabulous ministry, but it’s never quite been my cup of tea, except for the services where they follow the church calendar. So I was excited for tonight, because their style of contemplation seems particularly fitting for such commemorations.

I sat listening to a man speak about Lent as an opportunity to join Christ in the Wilderness for 40 days, and the timing felt especially relevant. Then we entered a time of silent reflection and a words a little something like this came quickly to mind so dug the pen out of my purse and started writing in order to discover what would come out:

“Shared silence is a sweet communion. To speak to one another requires little, for it is natural to want to fill a seemingly empty space. But shared silence is a profound gift, given only to the intimate. Safety, rest and freedom are embodied in a silence where words seem only to rob majesty–to steal the holy. Only with the intimate can silence be a calming, stunning, beautiful liberation–an invitation to exist together in the depth of the unavoidable uniqueness and bridged chasm of the individual alone.”

So I’m beginning Lent with the desire to come away with Him to a quiet place and get some rest.

bill and reader-boards

2.14.10

I was driving to a friends house today when a hotel reader- board sign said “Love is seeing a rose without thorns.” Hmmm…precious, huh? Signs like these often engage an inner argument and I begin to make rebuttal. Today my gut reaction was this: “No, love is to see the thorns and still love.” I think that seeing no thorns might be infatuation. Probably delusion. Unless…

There is a fast-food restaurant here in Portland called Burgerville. They are known for some pretty delectable seasonal milkshakes. A few years ago they had a billboard on the side of the free way bringing the good news that the fresh Oregon Blackberry shake was ready for consumption. The tagline? “Remember the thorns.” The add struck me, but not because I love milkshakes (which I obviously do).

So I got to thinking…these two ads really go together.

The thing that is crazy to me about Christ’s love is that He makes the ugly beautiful, the unlovely lovable. So in a sense, the rose becomes thornless, not because the thorns aren’t there, but because love is. Beautiful! If this is what the hotel manager meant by the sign, then yes, agreed!! My God hung on a cross. Creator, Endless and Eternal, died. He died with thorns as a mocking crown of the kingship He claimed that the religious and the crowd thought they could steal. Remember the thorns. When delighting in the bliss of a blackberry milkshake, remember the thorns, the sweat, the tears. When delighting in Love, remember the same.

And if I am to remember His thorns, than also I must remember my thorns. And if I am to remember my thorns, than I must also remember that His love loves deeper than the thorns, covers the thorns and at last removes them all together.

More life

Saturday, February 6, 2010
C.S. Lewis in “A Grief Observed,” reflecting on the death of his beloved wife said that no one ever told him that grief felt so much like fear. The idea has stuck with me. I sit at my favorite coffee shop at such a strange and undirected juncture in my life looking out the window and poised with a pen. I realize that I am so incredibly full of fear…and that this fear is my grief. In fact, I find myself grieving my story because for the past seven years it seems that the good keeps dying. Time after time things have begun in beauty and ended in ashes–began in hope and ended in disappointment. I review these years and see break after break, wound after wound, death after death…spiritually, relationally, physically, emotionally, in ministry. I’m grieving that my story is not what I hoped for…grieving that my perpetual hope for a season of singing is fulfilled for a time and then ends in another season of mourning. Sometimes I feel like a rat in a cage running after a heart that won’t break, a world without pain. I think I’m grieving that my story may never be written as I want it to be (or at least as I think I want it to be, if I even knew my own true want). I think I’m grieving again that I’m not the Author. I’m grieving what I am afraid of. I grieve fear. I’m grieving that still in my heart is even an inkling of distrust after all these years and after all His faithfulness. I’m grieving that it’s so hard to hope anymore. I grieve that I fear hope. I grieve that I’ve begun to expect only brokenness from life or from Him or from some mixture of the two. I grieve that I’m so afraid of pain. I’m at a loss about loss, I’m breaking over brokenness, pained over pain, disappointed over disappointment, grieving grief. Why? Bonehoeffer says it well,

“We have said that what is pleasureful and good is submerged in that which is painful and evil, and vice-versa. But exactly what is painful in pleasure? It is that in all pleasure man desires eternity, and that he knows pleasure is transitory and has an end…What is the evil in good? It is that the good dies. What is the good in evil? It is that the evil dies. What is the division, the torn condition of the world and of man in tob [full of pleasure] and ra [full of pain]? It is the dying, in pleasure and pain of man himself.”

I think for the past seven years the Lord has been teaching me how to die…die long, die deep and receive from Him both pleasure and pain with full faith in His goodness and the crazy depth of His love. And in the dying I’ve been learning Him, knowing Him and truly knowing His love as I never have before.

Seven years ago I spent a summer in Washington D.C. Long story short, I met a woman on the street named Coletta and the Lord changed my life through her. She burst out of the Starbucks I sat in, weeping like you just don’t weep in public. I followed her. I asked questions. I listened. And the deep sorrow of her heart and the questions in her pain plagued me. Even as I spoke of hope somehow it seemed somewhat shallow or naive. When I got back to Portland the Lord spoke very clearly a commission that has marked the years since, “Bri, I want you to be gripped by the pain of this world and the questions people ask everyday. I want you to be gripped by this pain to the same extent that you are gripped with the truth of my Word, otherwise you will never communicate truth in a way that meets the depth of human need. You will offer band-aids for festering wounds. I want you to be gripped with pain–gripped with the questions.”

So I think that in these past years I’ve been gripped by pain in my own life and in the lives of others, asking questions not as theological constructs but from the depth of human experience as desperate heart cries. I’ve been learning to die. I think that all along Christ was teaching his disciples how to die…trying to tell them that following meant dying…that true life meant death. I think He does the same now. And I really do believe, even if I do not feel, that this death is my life, this sorrow is my joy, this desolation is my rebirth.

Right now I think the Lord is asking me to embrace the reality of my story…of the story He is writing in me and through me. He isn’t asking me to resign and be defeated by the pain and brokenness of these years and huddle up in a corner because perseverance is so crazy exhausting. He is asking me to fix my hope firmly FOR Him and accept the lack of resolution and all the unanswerable questions that brokenness often creates–that life often brings. But He is asking me to do so as a conqueror, to do so in victory, to do so in joy. And this is one of the innumerable and utterly difficult paradoxes of faith. I’ve never known so many paradoxes as I have found in discipleship, even while I know that it is only to us that things even appear to be paradox. My incongruent vision.

Bonehoffer continues his thought,
“The man who knows of tob [pleasure] and ra [pain] at the same moment knows of his death…death is never nothingness, but is only the living God…there is indeed no such thing as nothingness…the promise of death is never nothingness, but only means of life, Christ himself”

Death is never nothingness. My sleepless nights started when I was really young. I used to lie in bed as a little girl, think of heaven and be scared to death because all I could envision was the LACK, the ABSENCE of life. All that I could picture was nothingness…an eternal void. But if I have learned anything as the brokenness cyclically penetrates to bring me further into His grace and deeper in the freedom of submission, it is this: death with Him, as excruciating, miserable and even hopeless it feels to be, is ALWAYS more life. Always it is Him. Love wins.

Extra excerpts that remind me of THE story:
C.S. Lewis “The Problem of Pain”: “We were made not primarily that we may love God (though we were made for that too) but that God may love us…Our highest activity must be response, not initiative. To experience the love of God in a true, and not an illusory form, is therefore to experience it as our surrender…”

The prophet Hosea, Chapter 14 Verse 4 “I will heal their waywardness and love them freely…”

Paul’s second letter to the Church in Corinth, Chapter 5
“For Christ’s love compels us, because one died for all and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.”

The Revelation of John, Chapter 21
“He said to me, ‘It is done, I am the Alpha and omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life.”

The prophet Isaiah, Chapter 62
“For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem’s sake I will not remain quiet, till her righteousness shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch. The nations will see your righteousness, and all the kings your glory; you will be called by a new name which the mouth of the Lord will bestow. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah (My delight is in her) and your land Beulah (Married)…The Lord has made proclamation to the ends of the earth: ‘Say to the Daughter of Zion, ‘See your Savior comes! See, his reward is with him and his recompense accompanies him.’ They will be called the Holy People, the Redeemed of the Lord; and you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted.’”

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